Positive Discipline: What is it?

Welcome to the blog! My name is Sarah and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Fort Collins, CO. I see clients in Colorado and across Texas, where I recently moved from with my family of five. I am also a Certified EMDR Trauma therapist and Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator. That’s where we are going to focus today. Positive Discipline. What it is, what it definitely is not, and how you can start using this respectful parenting approach today.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I did a lot (and I mean a LOT) of reading and researching on parenting styles and how I wanted to raise my children. I knew for sure I did not want to parent the way I was parented, but I didn’t have a model for what an alternative would look like. I was drawn to attachment parenting after reading Dr. Sears’ books and because attachment theory has always informed my psychotherapy practice. As a therapist, I was also a huge fan of Dr. Dan Siegel and dove right into The Whole Brain Child and Parenting from the Inside Out . I soon found Montessori and that really resonated with me, so I set out to set up my home and my child’s space in a way that would be accessible for him and encourage independence, respect and empowerment. If you’re interested in incorporating the Montessori method into your home life, The Kavanaugh Report has been an amazingly helpful resource for me.

I found Positive Discipline after my middle child (my daughter) was born and it seemed to incorporate all the theories I was trying so hard as a parent of a toddler and new baby to emulate. It also has the added bonus of being so incredibly practical, without being shamey. Moms get shamed and guilt -tripped at every turn. . “You’re working too much so your child’s behavior is suffering because they never see you.” “You are a stay at home mom? Don’t you want to follow your passions and model that drive for your child?” Give me a freaking break. The other problem I run into with parenting resources is that the books or influencers make it seem so easy. “Let’s just take a deep breath and calmly walk our child through a meltdown by validating their feelings”. Easy breezy right? “Hands are not for hitting, we use gentle hands in our house”. Good advice, sure, but not always possible when we are human beings who are overstimulated, overworked, unsupported and carry our own childhood baggage that rears its ugly head as soon as we have kids. There are some respectful parenting resources out there that leave me (who does this for a living) saying, well congratu-freaking-lations, you can watch your toddler knock your baby right over while cackling like a Disney villain and not be triggered at all.

Well that wasn’t me. I got triggered all the time. I got triggered by my own childhood experiences, I got triggered by the story I made up in my head about what parenting would look like (hint: it wasn’t turning out the way I thought), I got triggered by the guilt and fear that I was ruining my child by not being a good enough parent. I had been in therapy before, starting in grad school, but went back to heal childhood wounds and a traumatic birth experience (which can be a whole other blog post). Healing my own past in therapy, allowed me to better understand the theory behind Positive Discipline and actually execute it in my daily life as a parent of three young kids.

Alright already, WHAT IS POSITIVE PARENTING? Here are a few graphics I recently posted on my Instagram account @sowhatIhearyousayingis

The best way I can explain this parenting lens is the way I said it to my husband when I was first trying to get him on board. I explained that we typically see discipline as something we do in response to a child’s bad behavior, like as a punishment. Positive Discipline is a way to address the behavior before it happens by understanding why our child is exhibiting that behavior in the first place. I find it helpful to remember that “Discipline” actually means “to guide” not “to punish”.  Positive Discipline is centered around the idea that every child’s (every person really) primary goal is to belong. The child then does whatever he can to meet that need. Their behavior is a result of them trying to feel important, significant and connected, but they are doing it in a totally misguided way.

Let’s say, for example, that your toddler is hitting her younger sibling. You have done enough reading on positive or respectful parenting to know that yelling at or hitting your kid probably shouldn’t be your first line of defense. So you tell her to stop, that “hands are not for hitting,” redirect her to something she can hit, but still she continues to hit her brother. You get so frustrated that you finally resort to yelling or giving a Time Out, or maybe even spanking, and she stops for today. But a few days later she is back to hitting!

The problem is that you haven’t addressed the reason she is hitting in the first place. For some kids, maybe they have a developmentally appropriate, physical need to hit, and your redirection to something they can hit does meet that need! Implementing intentional hitting or something similarly physical into their daily routine may reduce their desire to hit brother. 

For another child though, the need could be less obvious and take some digging. Perhaps, your child has noticed they get much less time with mom ever since little brother arrived. When she needs time with mom and gets frustrated or sad, she takes it out on brother. You then spend time with her explaining why she shouldn’t hit and hang around so you can make sure it doesn’t happen again. She got what she was needing, attention and connection from mom or dad. But of course this isn’t the way she or you want it to happen. The solution here might be adding intentional, quality time with mom throughout the week. This can help meet that need and reduce her need to act out with this attention seeking behavior.

This is just one example, of one behavior and its possible solution. It will take some nonjudgmental observation of your child to determine what their behavior is trying to tell you. One of my favorite parts of my job is helping parents gain a better understanding of why their children are acting the way they are and meet those needs through connection, respect and empowerment. If this is something you’d like to explore, reach out to me and we can set up a free 15 minute consultation. You don’t have to do this alone.